I am known for focusing on sexuality and sensuality, on writing about yonis and orgasms. But, with that being said, I write other things too. Poetry, for me, started out to be a venting tool, a catharsis. When I write like that, sometimes I don’t show those pieces immediately because of their personal nature. I usually still show them eventually because the poems are good enough to share and, with experience, I have realized that others relate to the piece, event though it was written as a way to get my feelings out. For those who know me, or who have read my work over the years, this poem is called a ‘Brain Dump.’ It’s extremely personal, but hopefully you can get something from it. Enjoy…
(The image used is not intended to break any copyright laws. It is “Fading Away” by Mikaluna93 mikaluna93.deviantart.com)
So … what’s reality?
I’ve built my popularity on sensuality, sexuality
But every time I step on stage I proclaim that Passion isn’t always sex
So … it’s time for a lesson in vulnerability…. Authenticity….
What really exists? Or is everything I believe a fallacy of half-hearted hopes
Holding on desperately for the truth to be revealed someday
In some way …
Striving for authenticity but yet retreating into my fantasy every time I close my eyes
You’re here, not there and I swear It’ll be the most beautiful romance in the world…
But, what’s real?
Coz I got into this because I thought someone truly saw ME
And I didn’t have to cloak myself in invisibility
And be someone else…
But that might have been a fallacy
Coz – surprise! – you’re not satisfied and I …. I … I…
I have to let myself go …. Let myself be free
To hit it from the back aggressively coz that’s what you’re familiar with.
And the fantasy continues because I have to put on a show to make you happy
And …. But …. What if … what if I always am this way?
Will you stay ….. or will you decide the other is better….
What’s the reality?
Can I disrobe in actuality, or will my authenticity scare you?
Will you dare to handle it or will I have to constantly wear two hats…
I thought you truly saw ME – and, mostly, you do….
You see through my fears and I know you want me to be better … But …
What if I never live up to your standard?
What if I never ascend to the pinnacle of your expectations?
Will you wait impatiently for me to get it? And if I never do ….
Will … will you …. Resign yourself to the fate you dealt yourself
Or will your inner self counsel your outer self to self-destruct?
Will the escape clause finally be put in motion – will you run?
Or, rather, stay still, because you really don’t have to move
Everything Is there – and that leaves me here digging clay soil
Preparing for a transplanting that might never happen.
I have not written this way in a long time – maybe it’s time that I do
Because Passion isn’t always sex, sometimes, I get vexed….
But sometimes sad too….
Because I stand, waiting for a hand that should fit mine
But I see it dissolve into the pixelated ether
And I grasp air.